Satire. Obviously satire. Please stop emailing us.
Goldman desk pivots to faith-based risk management as 10-year approaches 5%.
Local portfolio manager claims 4.6% money market yield 'basically passive income' as stocks hit record highs.
Company spent $340 million on AI infrastructure, cannot articulate single measurable outcome beyond 'vibes are good.'
Bridgewater strategist begins hedging against total human annihilation alongside standard market downturns.
Market analyst who spent 12 years parsing Fed minutes says tracking yields 'basically the same thing but less stressful.'
Local permabear celebrates July selloff he has forecast continuously since 2019. Says the real crash is still coming, has always been coming, will always be coming.
Risk management, he explained, is about spreading your exposure across multiple tickers.
Time horizon extends in direct proportion to unrealized losses, researchers confirm.
Analysts hail most information-free press conference in central banking history as decisively bullish.