VOLT WIREUS MARKETSSPY 760.84 -0.23%QQQ 739.14 -0.09%DOW 50,700 -0.40%BTC -- LIVEGOLD 4,184 -0.07%WTI 91.72 +1.44%VIX 17.35 +6.18%SOX 12,644 +0.12%EQUITIES & FUTURES: THU OCT 1 CLOSEFOLLOW @VOLTDISPATCH ON XVOLT WIREUS MARKETSSPY 760.84 -0.23%QQQ 739.14 -0.09%DOW 50,700 -0.40%BTC -- LIVEGOLD 4,184 -0.07%WTI 91.72 +1.44%VIX 17.35 +6.18%SOX 12,644 +0.12%EQUITIES & FUTURES: THU OCT 1 CLOSEFOLLOW @VOLTDISPATCH ON X
The Funny Pages

Fed Chair Says the Word 'Data' 47 Times, Markets Soar

Analysts hail most information-free press conference in central banking history as decisively bullish.

Satire

Markets rallied sharply Wednesday after the Federal Reserve chair delivered what analysts are calling a masterclass in saying nothing, using the word data 47 times, the phrase meeting by meeting 11 times, and the word committed to committing to nothing at all.

We view the total absence of information as clearly bullish, wrote one bank strategist, upgrading his year-end target for the fourth time this quarter. The chair could have said something, and he chose not to. That is the kind of optionality this market wants.

The chair could have said something, and he chose not to. That is the kind of optionality this market wants.

Bond traders spent the afternoon parsing whether the chair's use of somewhat, rather than the widely expected modestly, signaled a dovish pivot. Three separate hedge funds reportedly repriced their entire rates book based on an eyebrow.

The next press conference is scheduled for six weeks from now, at which point the data will remain dependent.

SATIRE NOTICE: This piece is satire from The Funny Pages. The people in it are not real. The behavior absolutely is.

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